Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Laman's 10 things you need to know to be a guy

Need a crash course on being a guy? Whether you're just a girl trying to understanding the male psyche or just David looking add a little testosterone this is your list.

10. Two words: Automatic Iron aka the dryer. Just throw your wrinkled Sunday shirt that you forgot to hang up last Sunday into the dryer and 15 minutes later, vuala your shirt looks perfectly pressed.

9.  College football is not a season, it's a 5 month long religious holiday. Sort of like Hanukkah  but it's only celebrated on Saturdays.

8. Phone conversations should be over in less than 30 seconds flat. The only exception is when talking to females and then your own side of the conversation should be kept to a minimum. Example:
Caller 1: Hey caller 2 did you see that hit?
Caller 2: Yeah that was sweet.
Caller 1: OK, well, I'll talk to you later
Caller 2: OK talk to you later.

7. If it takes you longer than 10 minutes to get ready then there's something wrong. You need to fix it. "Manscara" and "Guyliner" are not acceptable. If your eyelashes are not long enough then just deal with it.
PS - If it takes you a full minute to put your pants on, they are too tight, they're not yours, they're your sister's.

6.  There is always a game on somewhere. August through December is Football season, November through March is Basketball season and April through October is baseball season. The NBA can fill in the only 2 weeks of desolation at the end of March after your team is eliminated from play.

5. Stop Flopping. In life and in sports. Don't pretend like you got knocked over when everyone knows you just fell down.

4. Your wife will let you watch as much baseball as you want if you're just nice to her. Treat her like you should and you can enjoy 164 games a year.

3. Sorry guys but a beer gut (or Dr. Pepper gut) is not acceptable under any circumstances. No matter how many sports you watch there's always time to get up off the couch and lose that extra 15.

Since I wrote this so long ago, it looks like I never finished. So lets go peeps, finish it for me. What are your #2 and #1 things you need to know to be a guy?

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